It's that time again, ladies. The end of football season is upon us. The veritable light at the end of the tunnel is flickering away at us like a beacon of hope during an otherwise weary winter. Husbands everywhere will be waking from their glazed zombie like slumber, tossing their well worn jerseys onto the bedroom floor to be tripped upon and emerging to participate once again in this thing called life just in time for Valentine's Day. And I'm pretty sure a woman created that holiday to get her husband to look up and say "Oh, I remember you."
But before custody of the flat screen can be reclaimed in time for the real super bowl that is the Oscars, how do those of us lacking in the enthusiasm portion of the sports enthusiasm dream get through it? There will be undoubtedly be Super Bowl parties and the male folk in the household will want to observe this most hallowed of occasions.
In my house, where the female population consists of me, one pug and a cat, I've had to be creative in order to muddle my way through Stupor Bowl.
Here are 10 Ways to get through Stupor Bowl Sunday:
1. Kick the calorie counter to the curb.
Obviously there will need to be party food and plenty of it. Don't forget chocolate for you. Look at it this way; this day is one of those gifts from the calorie Gods. Today you throw that New Years Diet Resolution shit out the window in favor of nachos, wings, brownies, beer, chips, onion dip, queso dip and chips, more beer, guacamole and more chips, and did I mention beer? You get the idea. Food stupor = Stupor Bowl remedy.
2. Come for the food, stay for the commercials.
Super Bowl commercials are damn entertaining and there are a lot of them. There are so many of those "time outty thingies". Enough beer can almost make you forget there's a game going on.
3. Half time exists for us.
The year Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers played half time, I actually cared about the Stupor Bowl. I was pumped. I made chili and everything. Go ahead - get your groove on! It goes by in the blink of an eye though, so be ready with #4.
4. Read a book.
That first year, when the TV was being monopolized and it happened to be in the bedroom, which was supposed to be my escape sanctuary, I read a book in between commercials. Sure the guys interrupted to attempt to get me to look when a super exciting play needed to be observed. Somebody was either scoring a hole in one or whatever you call it or they were bumbling or interfering with each other. The absolute worst is when they do that thing where they get the ball...what is it?...an inception? Yeah.
5. There are men in tight pants bending over.
Duh. Just go with it. I'm not sure what all the butt patting is all about. Just ignore that. make the tight pants work in your favor, ladies.
6. Watch what you want on your mobile device.
Let's face it. Sometimes you have to make a show of it and sit there as a show of support and reverence for the big league event of events. Tell 'em you're checking the stats. When they ask what the stats are, don't tell 'em you were checking your blog stats. Just cough and hastily leave the room, citing the onset of a fecal "event" brought on by excessive nachos.
7. Entertain yourself.
Us any means possible. If this means doing an annoying play by play impression of Bob Costas or whoever is prattling on about the game. If there are no impressionable youngsters present, spice things up by pointing out all the double entendre inherent in sports. "Loose ball", "open receiver", "complete pass", "bump and run" are all fair game. But they don't all have to be sexual. Try to work in "personal foul". This will give you some male cred, especially since there will be a lot of this taking place in the immediate vicinity.
8. Get drunk and take a nap.
If you don't have guests, you're free to have a few too many and check out for a few hours. The hubby is with the kids and you've already made "dinner". Nothing says "Me Time" like passing out completely.
9. Have a little fun with your Facebook friends.
Your newsfeed will be chock full of status updates containing up to the minute details of the game in progress. Think up silly puns to leave in the comments. Sure, you might lose a couple people, but do you really want all those sports posts cluttering up your feed every football season anyway?
10. Give up on the charade altogether and go out with the girls. If you're all able to take your leave of the proceedings, by all means do. If you complain enough, your guys will be waving you off faster than Lindsay Lohan can do a prison term. Call up a few girlfriends and go out for cocktails and appetizers. Just make sure you're going to a place that doesn't have the game on. Then get your game on.
But whichever tac you decide on, make it your own and take it the whole nine yards. And remember, I'm here to help. You're welcome.